Friday, December 14, 2012

SFF Saturday 12-15-2012

Something on the serious side for this week's offering.  As many of you already know, 5 years ago this week I lost my younger brother when he took his own life.  I miss him everyday, in some way big or small, and would love to spare everyone the pain my family has gone through.  And, so, today's post is about Prisoner 1138's despair at being isolated for the rest of his life without any human interaction at all.  He has books (e-books, of course), shelter, food, and potable water. He doesn't have a sister's teasing, a mother's hugs, a nephews giggles at being swung in the air.  His friends and family will never again see his face contort with laughter or despair, or hear his voice signing quietly as he works.

(For guaranteed lighter fare, please visit http://scififansat.blogspot.com/ )

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Entry 5

I control the lights in my cell; I find this a remarkable gift, since it would be an easy sadism to toy with my circadian rhythms.  I decide when I rise, when I sleep, and even, through the small button and chute on the wall, when I eat.  I am quickly finding, however, that the deferred sadism of my jailers is more than offset by the masochism of despair.  I've nowhere to be, no one to see, no one depending on me, and no one for me to depend upon.  I can lie in the darkness, never rising from the bed and my own tortured musings, and no one will care or even remark upon it.  Oh, they will note when I die, through their insidious monitoring program, but they do not care if I perish and probably relish the idea of me simply ceasing to exist of my own volition.

I could do it, of course, and easily at that--and I've thought of it, ceaselessly for days on end. I've considered painful ways, quick ways, dramatic ways, ways in which I die and make a final statement for the entire world to witness.

But I don't do it, because the only possession I have left is my life and I will not let them, or the despair, win.

My prisoner designation is 1138, but my name is Abraham bin Navi and everyday I struggle out of the darkness.

9 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss - this must be a difficult time of year for you. I think you're allowed a little meloncholy in your post, his despair is palpable.
    Take care,
    Chantal

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  2. You have my sympathy, too. I'm glad to see the final expression of strength in Abraham's words; he will not let the despair overcome him.

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  3. So sorry for your loss. Anniversaries of these events are always difficult, doubly so at the holidays.

    I think you've beautifully captured prisoner 1138's despair and his will to live.

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  4. His predicament really comes across in the snippet. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

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  5. Sorry about your brother. What a powerful snippet. BTW: My snippet is on my blog but alas I have forgotten to submit it this week.

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  6. I'm sorry about your loss. but you are using it to inform your writing.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your snippet does capture the despair, but also hope. I'm glad Abraham won't give in to the darkness.

    No snippet from me this week. I'll be back next.

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  8. My condolences for your loss. I'm sure that is so hard to accept and cope with, so for the response to be such an honest, determined snippet is amazing. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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  9. I am very sorry for your loss, Cassandra.

    Sobering and powerful snippet this week.

    -Heidi

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